what's on my mind grapes?

It’s when I turn off my brain that I end up being (even more) long-winded.  Go figure.

15. Los Angeles Dodgers (48.74% schedule-weighted support)
Last Ranking: 28
Added: SPs Claudio Vargas, Randy Wolf, and Shawn Estes; RP Guillermo Mota; IFs Mark Loretta and Hector Luna; C Brad Ausmus; OF Val Pascucci
Lost: LF Manny Ramirez; SPs Greg Maddux (retired), Derek Lowe, and Brad Penny; RPs Takashi Saito, Joe Beimel, Chan Ho Park, Scott Proctor, and Jason Johnson; 2B Jeff Kent (retired); SSs Nomar Garciaparra and Angel Berroa; CF Andruw Jones
Strengths: How do I frame this section without giving any credit to GM Ned Colletti, whose existence is basically the only reason the Dodgers aren’t in my top four? Sadly, I cannot avoid acknowledging the nuts found by this blind, cowboy-boot-wearing squirrel: two of seven Dodgers I consider to have noteworthy value were acquired since he took over the team in late 2005. 21-year-old SP Clayton Kershaw had significant walk problems in 2008, and is not yet a front-of-the-rotation starter, but the 2006 draft pick has always been an impressive strikeout artist and is, at worst, very cheap, high-upside back-of-the-rotation material for a major league club.

Japanese import Hiroki Kuroda had a nice “rookie” season in 2008, and looks to be a solid #3 starter in 2009. The problem, however, is that his contract will pay him $10 million this year and $13 million next year – not an utter albatross, but a considerable risk on an unspectacular player; it is this sort of careless spending that is a great part of my disdain for Colletti.

Fortunately, I’m done talking about things Colletti has done to help his team. Closer Jonathan Broxton (2002 draft) and setup man Hong-Chih Kuo (1999 free agent) keep the bullpen from sinking into a completely pathetic state, while C Russell Martin (2002 draft) is one of baseball’s finest backstops – and only 26. The 2003 draft produced the team’s only other good starter, Chad Billingsley, as well as CF Matt Kemp and RF Andre Ethier, both of whom were rumored to be trade bait once Colletti bogged down the outfield with costly veterans like Andruw Jones (since released) and the powerless, and frequently walkless, Juan Pierre.
Weaknesses: Ah, here’s the fun part. Having already touched on Pierre, who is due $28 million over the next three seasons as he heads toward his mid-30s, and Jones, who will make $21 million over the next six years for the contribution of playing elsewhere, I suppose Colletti’s worst error this offseason would be a good starting point. 3B Casey Blake, who was acquired from the Indians in July at the exorbitant price of 22-year-old catching prospect Carlos Santana and pitcher John Meloan, managed a paltry .313 on-base percentage in LA despite a helpful .316 average on balls in play. His defense ranges, depending on the metric, from bad to terrible, and at age 35, he’s not much of an investment to improve. None of this mattered to Colletti, however, who saw a bearded white guy who just seemed like he played hard; Blake was signed to a three-year, $17.5 million contract in December.

Now entrenched at third base for the Dodgers, Casey Blake has bumped fellow light-hitting infielder Blake DeWitt to second base, where he will most likely platoon with 37-year-old Mark Loretta and/or regress to the easily-replaceable hitter he has been throughout his career. But the complete offensive futility doesn’t stop there. While it’s very possible that the Dodgers will eventually bring back Manny Ramirez, the current state of left field is abysmal. The team’s options include Pierre, whose inability to hit as a corner outfielder has been documented many times; Delwyn Young, who has only really put things together for one good season in 2007; Jason Repko, whose high strikeouts and modest power do not bode well for a useful major league career; and Val Pascucci, who has some impressive AAA seasons but looks too slow and walk-prone for the Dodgers’ liking.

Beyond Billingsley, Kershaw, and Kuroda, the Dodgers’ rotation is filled with question marks. Even if Jason Schmidt returns from shoulder problems, he’ll be 36 and it is completely unknown what he can offer. Injury- and homer-prone Randy Wolf, however, will likely keep a rotation spot as long as he remains healthy, as the team doesn’t want to throw $5 million away if he can just eat innings toward the back of the rotation. Unremarkable pitchers like Shawn Estes, Jeff Weaver, Eric Stults, and Claudio Vargas seem like the only things standing between prospect James McDonald and the #5 spot; while I don’t see McDonald as being ready for the bigs, a few injuries and underwhelming performances could very well force the Dodgers’ hand. Similar to the lack of depth in the rotation, the bullpen is essentially Broxton, Kuo, and a very underwhelming group competing for spots. Guillermo Mota, whose last useful season came in 2004, looks to have a spot assured thanks to a $2.35 million contract.
My Stake: I am a terrible, shallow person. I give love a bad name. I have no excuse for my behavior, and bring shame on my family for being so concerned by beauty and charm over intelligence and depth. Perhaps some day, I will mature as a person and learn that there’s more to love than superficial cravings untempered by concerns over character and wisdom. But no matter how dumb the Dodgers are, how inexcusably incompetent a GM Colletti is, I am unable to muster the antipathy I know I should feel in every fiber of my being; despite having perhaps the least competent front office in baseball, the historic franchise somehow managed to make it to the upper half of my rankings.

Blame it on the closing of Fire Joe Morgan, and resulting underexposure to detailed accounts of the crazed illogic that guides Colletti.

Hold culpable my confidence that Colletti will not hold his job for more than another year or two, even if a return by Ramirez lets them make the playoffs in a pathetic division.

Credit President Obama for helping me believe that yes I can! throw reason out the window and just hope for the best!

Or just assume that the Dodgers are “gateway morons” and I’m soon find “Lost” too “thinky” and just, darn it, not as fun! as “Rock Of Love,” which features charming women who are everything of which a man could dream. I truly dread the next development in my devolution to homo neanderthalensis plaschkeus, but damn it, that is one fine piece of stadium.
‘09 Predictions: The best I can say for LA’s offseason is that Pascucci is a nice, if surprising, acquisition for a team that seems to value players in ways diametrically opposite my own. He should not, however, be a starter, nor should he be a backup to an inferior player, so there’s little chance that this move is for anything other than AAA depth. Because of the LF vacancy, as well as the pitching woes and the minimal value of this winter’s pickups, it’s very tempting to put this team below .500.  However, I’m going to bank on Manny’s happy return and put them at 81 wins.  Still, I can hope that that’s not enough, and that 2009 proves to be just the sort of letdown year to cost Colletti his job. I shall await regime change with bated breath.